Is who I think I am, who I really am?

I watched Batman Begins the other week. I love it, the way it’s got such a realistic feel as opposed to most comic book hero movies…

Anyway; there’s a part in the movie that really hit home to me. Katie Holms’ character is standing in front of Bruce Wayne as he’s wearing his expensive suite and driving his Lamborghini Murcielago and he looks at her and say… “All this isn’t me, you know who I am inside”

Katie replies; “Bruce it doesn’t matter what you are inside, it’s your actions that depict who you really are.”

Later on Batman has just saved Katie’s character again and as they stand on a rooftop Katie asks; “Who are you under that mask?”

Batman says: “It doesn’t matter who I am under this mask, it’s my actions that tell who I really am.”

What a parallel to our Christian lives… mine in particular. I mean we all profess to be Christians, but how many times do our actions point to something else. We say, “It’s ok I’m a Christian” but it is what we do that really depicts who we are.

I’m convinced so many of us truly think we’re Christians, but our lives don’t tell the same story, yet we are so blinded by our thoughts, we think we’re doing great, but when it comes down to it, do we really care what Jesus said how we should live our lives???

Now I’m not standing on a soapbox calling looking down on all the people around me. I’m taking a good look at my life, and seeing so much of that crap in it that I feel totally unworthy and ashamed of my heritage in Christ.

In a way I feel a need to apologise to you all, especially those friends of mine who have spent time with me lately. I haven’t been a true depiction of Jesus. Maybe outwardly I’ve seemed ok, but I’ve been struggling with so much. I’ve let that get to me, and eventually I know my actions have not been showing Jesus through my life.

Sometimes it’s the people who seem to have it all figured out who are struggling the most. I think most people think I’ve got most of life covered, so turn their attention to others who seem to need the help more. In the end I’ve been left feeling like I have to look after everyone and no one really cares what’s going on with me. I know I should be stronger, but in a way that’s lead me to let things in my life crumble away more and more.

Even at WEC Camps this year, I didn’t feel a Holy fire which for so many years has burnt inside of me. I think finally my outward actions have effect that person I am inside. I still pray, I still talk to God and have a relationship… all that’s who I am. But I’m not ministering and doing anything with my actions to affirm that.

I really don’t know what to do… I’m in a bit of a lonely place at the moment. To be honest I’m not feeling 100% at home at Whitehill anymore. I can’t say exactly what it is, but for a long time I’ve been feeling drawn away from there… I feel sometimes when I’m there that I really am an outcast, someone who doesn’t belong… my thoughts are plagued with “why am I feeling like this” and then I can’t really get into anything that’s going on… which causes me to feel even more outcast. It seems a vicious circle that I’m spinning in.

I’ve been going to City North Baptist more frequently these days as well. I love it there… contrary to many comments I’ve heard from people at Whitehill and City North I haven’t church jumped in the pursuit of a young lady (which seems to be the first though anyone has when a young guy goes to another church)… I was attracted to City North because of the passion I saw there. In their music, in the pastors messages, in their mission group and in the young people and young adults I see a vibrancy of passion that I’d love to connect with.

But I don’t feel home there yet, and I don’t know if I ever will. A Sunday service every two weeks isn’t enough to get totally involved, and sometimes I wonder if some of the people there just think I’m clinging on to something and not really committed to anything they do.

Because I’m sort of in this limbo place, it feels pretty lonely. I wouldn’t have anyone I’d consider a close close friend, someone who I could really have a honest and open chat with to find where I’m at. Truthfully I’m not sure I’ve ever had a guy friend I could do that with… and maybe that’s what’s making this time hard for me to get a grasp on.

Sometimes I wonder if I need to move totally away… make a totally clean start somewhere new. That could be commit myself to Bible training and just head to the mission field in Africa again, or it could mean just moving out of home, into Brisbane and trying to get a handle on this life I’m living now. I want to be Batman, not Bruce Wayne… I want someone to look at my actions (maybe not knowing who I am) and just know that work has been done by someone who loves Jesus.

This is pretty personal stuff, and yes you may wonder why I’m posting it where everyone can read it… well as I said I don’t really have someone to go and talk it all over with, so I’d like some prayer from everyone who reads this.

You all know what’s going on now, so all I ask you to do is pray.

Thanks