Shhhhhhh times were the part of the day where you went by yourself and were just quiet with God - it wasn't a specific bible study or personal devotion time - just a half hour where everyone was completely quiet and you sat and interacted with God in whatever way you felt most comfortable.
This day on camp I felt anything but comfortable, I was sick, but add to that I was feeling very disconnected from the campers, and particularly the leaders. There's a strange dynamic of being a 29 year old single guy on camp - there are many single female leaders and I find it hard not to at least 'wonder' if this setting was effective for meeting someone that might eventually turn into a relationship. However the big thing I'd noticed on camp was the ease in which other guys seemed to interact with the single ladies, and my apparent ineptness to even be included in any conversation at all. I am in no way desperate, just a bit awkward I think. This particular day I had witnessed some people interacting and it had left me feeling very much on the outter, and I was wondering what was wrong with me.
I got to my Shhhhhhh time and opened the Bible app on my phone - I simply started reading from where it opened to, a verse we'd looked at in the main meeting the day before - Psalm 139:13-18;
For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. How precious to me are your thoughts, O God! How vast is the sum of them! Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand. When I awake, I am still with you.
I felt the comfort of knowing God knew me and cared for me, but I wondered if this blanket, all inclusive warm fuzzy verse could really impact the gut wrenching feeling of loneliness I had right then - but then I read on...
139:19-24; If only you would slay the wicked, O God! Away from me, you bloodthirsty men! They speak of you with evil intent; your adversaries misuse your name. Do I not hate those who hate you, O LORD, and abhor those who rise up against you? I have nothing but hatred for them; I count them my enemies. Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.
So after reveling in the amazingness of God's intimate creation and love, David turns and says "But if only..." That's exactly how I felt. 'God I know you love me and created me, but if only you'd show me the lady I am suppose to marry... or at least give me some hope that a woman will someday put up with me.'
I could see that the psalm really nailed our interaction with God - knowing his care and love but still sometimes feeling at a loss not knowing the eternal perspective of his plan. Then verse 23 and 24 pierced my heart - asking God to search me, to test me so that he knows my anxious thoughts. I realised that's exactly what I was feeling overcome with, anxious thoughts. God knew them - in a way he was testing me by putting me in the position I was in that day, I let him search me... along with God I examined myself, my motives, my feelings about it all to 'see if there is any offensive way in me'. I was greatly encouraged (and, I believe, supernaturally filled and revitalised) as I realised that even in my anxiousness I had not sinned - or caused offense.
I was not jealous of these guys who seemed to be interacting with the ladies much better than I was; I was not jealous about not having a girlfriend; I wasn't angry at God for not providing; I wouldn't turn away from what he's called me too because of my continued singleness.
As God searched me, and I realised that I was doing ok I felt much better. I realised that the hope of one day meeting a nice girl wasn't a problem, I realised that sometimes feeling discouraged and having anxious thoughts wasn't a problem, because as long as I continued to serve him, follow him and live out the plan he has placed me in, then I was still allowing him to "lead me in the way everlasting"
And that's all I really need.
2 comments:
Hey Dean, this sounds like some of the experiences I had during my single days. Karyn and I didn't get married till I was 34 and the many years prior to that were painful at times.
Not sure what I can say except to hold onto those times of God speaking to you.
mate - it seems a constant anxious thought... yet it never seems to deter me - so i'm not overly worried about it.
the biggest problem I think is the focus other people put on the fact i'm still single. People expect me to be finding a girl and settling down - when i'm trying to not let it be my main focus and am just really at the point of not wanting to worry about it anyway.
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