Wednesday, 4 October 2006

Confessions of the Confused

Hmmm had an interesting conversation with a friend last night, which opened a floodgate of feeling and emotion I’ve been mulling over for a while….

What is it that we really want? I’ve been thinking so much lately about what I want out of life. All I really know is that where I am at the moment is somewhere I’m not content with, I want to do more, be more, have more, but I just can’t figure out exactly what that is, or how to obtain it.

I’m not talking material stuff, I don’t want more stuff – I want more LIFE, more SERVICE, more opportunity to share my FAITH. I totally respect people’s call to the ‘mission field in their workplace’ but I’m suffocating trying to pull that off. I feel a more permanent occupational call to ministry, to make it my soul calling, build my skills in ministry and make my living from serving the body of Christ.

Interweaved with that is a desire to build meaningful relationships, eventually start a family, feel connected and comfortable with a group of friends and family and find fulfilment with the relational aspects of my life. These past few months I’ve come to feel very lonely, my social life is almost non-existent and I just get this feeling that the friendships I hold so dear are slowly whittling away. Why I don’t know, but as people’s lives move on I feel stuck in this rut that is causing me to be left behind.

But my main struggle is this… does my loneliness matter? Does my desire to do more come from a servant-like attitude to Christ, or my own need for personal fulfilment? I know God says in his Word that he wants to give us the desires of our hearts, and that his plan is to prosper us and keep us from all harm. But Jesus says that service of him doesn’t come easy, he says that people will hate us because of him, but if we come to him he will give us rest.

I know that as I serve God my desires become his desires, I just want to know if I’m being selfish wanting this stuff in my life at this time.

I guess this verse comforts me and keeps me going through my struggles

Hebrews 10:23,24
Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful. And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds.


I’ll just concentrate on the love and good deeds and everything else is a bonus.

5 comments:

Anonymous said...

good one Jarrol,

here is a verse that helps me

Ps 37

"God will give you the desires of your heart

Jarrol said...

Yes I know. But I wonder the reasons for the desire of my heart. If it comes from selfishness will God grant it? Can part of my own wants be tied with God's will??

Anonymous said...

Thats the struggle isn't it.

I would have to know what it is that you actually want to comment on whether I thought it was selfish or not.

But ultimately in the scriptures we find God giving people a lot of things we might classify today as either materialistic or selfish.

That does not mean I endorse the prosperity theology, far from it.

But I do think God wants us to have a wife, a family, a house, a car (even if it is a Ford :))
especially in such a prosperous land.

I think the most important factor is, pray deeply about it, fast if need be. See what God says.

kloky said...

dean i think you already have it figured out, we are normal humans with normal desires and wants in life. its not wrong to feel the way you are feeling because God has designed us to want relationships and a full life. a full life tho is totally found in christ in the midst of persecution and personal failure. the beggining of that verse mark gave you is

3 Trust in the LORD and do good; dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture.

4 Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart.

knowing you i really think that you do delight yourself in the lord and so i hope that this holds true in your life. on the other hand i do see many people who delight themselves in the lord and dont get any of the desires of their heart so i dont know if out interpretation of this verse is not quite what was intended by God. the reality is that nowhere in the bible does it say that 'there is someone out there for you' as our mums and friends like to say. we also need to remember that the bible also promises persecution and poo in our time on earth.

well a bit of a ramble but here is what i apply to my own life


2 cor 12;9

'But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. 10That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.


he said that his grace is sufficient for paul and tho i am no paul i believe that what is sufficient for paul is sufficient for me too. i get down myself about chicks and stuff too and tho i feel incredibly blessed by my friends at the moment in the past that has not always been the case. i always remind myself that all people who have lived great lives have had great loss, persecution or tragedy in their lives. so if i want a rad life BRING IT ON!!! i scare myself when i say that but life is short and i want mine to count.'without the sour the sweet doesn't taste so good' my fulfillment in life and contentment tho affected by, is not dependant on extenal circumstances it is totally found in my identity in christ.

if you can read 'tempered steel' half of it is crap but alot of it is awesome.

hope my verbal diarea helps somehow :)

Jarrol said...

Kloky, we are but one peas in a pod my friend! i can't believe how you've hit exactly what i was feeling... thanks mate.

knowing me - i wish i was more a delight in the Lord, but it's funny how other people perceive you.

but you got my real feeling - i'm sure that the Christians in China are delighting themselves in the Lord, and are just doing his will so servant-heartedly, and i'm also sure their hearts desire is not to be persecuted by the government and have to live in such poor conditions.

And my mates in The Gambia, they delight the Lord, but they still get troubled to no end by the Muslims living around them.

It makes me feel a touch guilty that I could receive the desires of my heart, and that they would be so shallow compared to those in other situations....

I sometimes wonder if life in the West really is more difficult than say in Africa, things seem simpler there.

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